waiting and celebrating

My friend and I helped our pastor decorate after Good Friday Services.  He has some sense of how he wants things to look, so our function is mostly to carry things, hand him things, and offer suggestions.  This gives you some sense of how it looked when we were finished.

Holy Saturday is supposed to be a day of waiting....of anticipation.  Ideally, I guess.  Of course there were things to do...shopping for a few last minute Easter purchases, household chores, a practice for my altar server sons for the Vigil, the decision on what to wear and making sure all was ready.

My boys have served for the Easter Vigil for the past many years - six, maybe.  It's not like I get a lot of volunteers for a Mass that exceeds an hour and requires a practice.  But I think they don't mind too much.  They dressed nicer than usual without me forcing them to.  They were ready to go on time.  They didn't complain about the practice in the morning.  My older son was in charge of the incense and the younger was in charge of holding the book for Father.  They both did a great job tonight!

Usually I just blend into the crowd, but tonight I was on the schedule to serve as an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion.  (the technical term for Eucharistic Ministers who are not priests are deacons)  I own exactly one dress, and I thought tonight might be an appropriate time to wear it.  In the end, I went with it, and I was glad I did.  Everyone looked so nice!

The music was wonderful!  The homily was excellent - about seeking Jesus in the Right Places - with the eyes of faith; not with the eyes of the world.  If we seek Him with the eyes of the world, we will be looking for Him where we THINK He should be...not where he is.  So where do we - the lost sheep - look for the Good Shepherd?  In the sacramental life of the church.  In the faith community of people who are humbly and sincerely looking for the truth.  In His Word (dust off that Bible, he said!)  In the depths of our own heart and in prayer that is more about listening and surrendering to change than in talking and trying to tell God how to change.  And in the people around us who "need a good dose of the Lord".

As we left, Jesus was back in the Tabernacle.  There was a sense for me that all was once again right in the world.

Dear hubby and I went to 8:30 Mass Easter morning.  It was standing-room only, but very much "business as usual".  Jesus was in the tabernacle, the music was nice - but not spectacular, the candles were lit like any other Sunday, there was no incense, no Easter Proclamation.  For those who were not able to participate in the celebrations of the Triduum, it appears as if nothing much has really changed.  The empty tabernacle at the beginning of Holy Thursday, the Eucharistic Procession, Jesus being removed from the tabernacle at the end of Adoration on Thursday, the starkness and emptiness of Good Friday, the darkness and the Easter Fire, the new candle, and so much more... all occurred between the Sundays, and were missed by Sunday-only attendees. 

Since one of the themes of the past week was gratitude, I suppose I am oh-so-grateful that I was able to participate in the celebrations and services between the Sundays!  Now....we get to celebrate Easter for 50 days!  Let the party begin!! 

victory

Sometimes you just don't need a lot of words.   Sometimes the visual says what we can't. 

I have heard some good homilies the past few days - 4 in three days, I think, starting with Tenebrae.  At our Holy Thursday Mass, our good priest reminded us that it is about gratitude and victory.  

And today, at the Good Friday service, he reminded us that it not a day of sorrow and mourning, but a day of victory, joy, and gratitude.  Jesus was in complete control the whole time.  This is not something that happened to Him, but something He willingly did for us to save us because he loved us.  For so long, I thought it was Jesus and the no good, very bad, horrible day.  Couldn't understand why it was "Good" and I surely couldn't understand why Jesus just didn't give them the answers - didn't say something - to make it all stop.  Now I understand.

Tonight I watched the Passion of the Christ with the rest of my family.  It was the first time I had seen it in its entirety.  It was graphic, but very well done.  

Wishing a Good Friday to all!  

the priest and the dentist

I dipped my big toe into Heaven today by attending the Chrism Mass this morning at our Cathedral!  Last year a friend and I went, because it was something on my "bucket list".  We decided last year that it might have to be an annual event for us, but in actuality, it was yesterday evening before we finalized plans.  With the issues in my household lately, lets just say I wanted to avoid drama.

We got there well in advance of the start of Mass - mostly because of the parking - and we found seats right around the vicinity of last year's.  Most of the seating in the Cathedral is reserved, so it is good to get there early!  In our section were a lot of young families and middle aged + women.  Last year, I was struck by the diversity of the priesthood.  The vast majority of those in the diocese are present, and there are short, tall, young, old, black, white, Asian, long haired, short haired, and bald ...   After the homily,as seen here, they renew they renew their Priestly Promises. 

Credit for all these beautiful pictures goes to P.C. Piazza. I hope he does not mind me sharing them. 

This year, though, I was struck by the richness of our faith.  The sensuality of it.  A faith that is so vibrant we can see it, hear it, touch it, taste it, smell it.  Not that any of those things stand in the place of faith, but they are a way to represent what is so abstract and so hard to define.  A human way to represent the divine, maybe.

We listen to the Word while sitting in beautiful surroundings.  Eyes and ears.

Touch is so important.  The oils that were blessed all necessitate the human touch.  (That's my dentist, a deacon,  carrying the oil.)  That's part of the Chrism Mass - blessing all of the oil that is used in the diocese in the coming year...it is then presented during the Holy Thursday Mass at each parish later in the evening. 

A faith that we can smell.  Here the Bishop inhales the sweet fragrance of the Chrism after mixing perfume with the oil.

And the incense.  The wonderful smell - symbolizing our prayers rising Heavenward.  I hoped a few times that there were no smoke detectors in the place! 

 Even taste is not left out.  The Lord Jesus, present under the appearance of bread and wine.  Last year, I was amazed when, of all the priests in the Cathedral, I received the Eucharist from my pastor.  I remember thinking that it was a nice, divine touch of personalization.  Today as we left, my friend asked, "Did you just receive Communion from your priest and your dentist?"  What were the odds?  But that's how it worked out.  We were led by an usher to a spot in the backnof church where the Eucharist was being distributed. There was my pastor distributing the Host and my dentist - the deacon - there with the Precious Blood.

The Chrism Mass very much celebrates the Institution of the Priesthood, which also occurred on the First Holy Thursday.  Those who were sent to bring glad tidings to the lowly, heal the brokenhearted (Is 61), to proclaim liberty to captives and bring sight to the blind (Luke 4)  Two of my favorite priests are in the above picture.  The priest second from the left, I met when I was a college freshman.  He was at the Catholic Student Center back in the early 80's.  In the 90's, he was once again my pastor at a different parish and officiated at our wedding.  In the 00's, he was the one I sought out to hear my confession after too long away.  And second from the right, is my current pastor...wise, humble, holy.  They give God a human face in today's world.

I'll leave you with a couple of more pictures...the priests receiving Communion...because I always wondered how that was done...they all approach the altar and "self-communicate"..

And this final one....because it was just beautiful and seemed to encompass so much of the sights and symbolism...

Have a blessed Triduum.

walking with Jesus

At least that's how I was kind of thinking about it, as we entered Holy Week and it just seemed to be one thing after another. 

As I mentioned in the last post, my sister-in-law's mother-in-law passed away quite unexpectedly Saturday night in her sleep.  The funeral was today.

Monday morning, my SIL had met me for Mass, and we had coffee afterwards.  She was awaiting the results of a biopsy she had had the week before.  That evening, she called to tell me that she did, indeed, have breast cancer.  She is the third person that I have known to be diagnosed with cancer since Christmas!  Fortunately the prognosis for all of them is good!  But it is a lot to lose a loved one and find out you have cancer - all within about 36 hours.

Monday during the day, my dear husband called to tell me that he didn't think he was going to be able to get medical clearance to be cleared to drive for his job.  We just bought a new, used truck last week.  He would certainly drive me over the edge if he could not work.  Not to mention the financial short-fall.  Today things look better.  I will continue to pray! 

I attended the annual Tenebrae Service at my church tonight.  It is always nice, but kind of like the proverbial box of chocolates...ya never know quite what you're going to get.  Over the years, there have been some threads that run through all of them... the most obvious is the candles:

I took one lone picture this year.... I describe the Tenebrae Service as "part prayer....part music...part performance."  The Tenebrae comes from an old version of the Liturgy of the Hours, and tonight there were 3 Psalms prayed in parts, as they do in religious communities.  After each psalm, one of the candles was extinguished.  Then there were some chants from Lamentations, and after each, a candle was extinguished.  There was also a musical "response" for each of the chants from our choir.   A reading from Job, and then a homily from our pastor. 

He commented on Lamentations which tell the story of a sinful Israel in much-deserved exile.  He mentioned that instead of crying "Oh Jerusalem return to the Lord your God", we could very well cry "Oh America, return....."  But in order to personalize this, we must realize that we all contribute to the absence of God in our country.  And on another tack, he reiterated that we don't celebrate "history" during the next few days, but "mystery." 

After "Prayers of the Faithful", the lights in the church were turned out, and a loud sound was heard (cymbals).  The Easter Candle was removed, but then returned, and we all departed in silence and darkness.

Tomorrow I am very much looking forward to attending the Chrism Mass at the Cathedral with a friend in the morning, and the Mass of the Lord's Supper at our parish in the evening.  Kind of like a Catholic Double-Header.  

entering into holy week

And trying to keep it holy!

But first a shout out to the HHS Mandate to wish it a very happy feast day... being that it's April 1 today. 

It has been a Lent.  I think it's mostly been good.  The good Father said the other day that the mark of a "good, holy Lent" is how much we allow it to change us after Easter. 

Though things are crazy to the infinite power at school, things have gone fairly well with my fifth graders.  There is just so much stress...you can feel it in the air...in the energy level and the defiance of the kids.  And I can feel it in my chest.  It has been like this since we had the day off for a potential flood a couple of weeks ago.  Just kind of unholy. 

Things at home are still in a state of flux.  A visit to the doctor and a prescription, which is being taken.  Discussions.  Things have been fairly calm.  Still he does not understand me, I think.  We used to be in the same place spiritually, but that has changed.  That change bothers him greatly.

And I struggle very much to understand him.  So much of it just seems irrational to me.  A mundane example to illustrate:  We were riding together to pick up his truck, when I needed gas.  We stopped at a Truck Stop and there was one pump open on the far end.  I drove around in front of the pumps and pulled in facing the road.  For the life of him, he could not understand why I did that, and I could not understand what on earth he was talking about when he wanted me to "drive down there and spin around".  And why does it really matter?  In the end, we had a nice drive and a decent conversation. 

I have met a few Simon's on my journey.  Those who have been there, done that.  One of my church lady friends.  I was going in the other day to pray at the same time that she was leaving Mass.  I ended up walking out with her, and we talked for several minutes.  God was in the parking lot that day.  She says, "I just couldn't understand why people couldn't do things the way I wanted them to.  Life would have been so much easier!" 

My red-headed co-worker from last year...  She calls me periodically, and I always love to hear from her.  I miss her so much this year.  Usually, she talks and I listen.  Last week, I was on my way to a track meet 30 or 40 minutes away, when she called and we talked the whole way.  I didn't wreck. She told me things I hadn't heard before.  "Walking on eggshells" seems to be a common expression. 

I went to Stations of the Cross on Friday.   Normally, I like this devotion, but often find myself very distracted.  Not sure if it is because it is on a Friday afternoon at the end of a long week or what.  But the last few times, I have discovered that if I close my eyes while the priest is reading and just listen, the scene forms in my mind's eye, and I "hear" so much more.  I can identify with Jesus being misunderstood, enduring things that were not his fault, the sadness, the heavy heart.  The temptation to go the way of the world, to wonder which is the way.  It was very good.

A side note...is anyone listening to and loving the prayers from the Mass...the opening prayer, the prayer after comuunion...and loving them?  I love the new translation - the language is rich!

I have spent a lot of time wondering if that self-giving love we hear so much about involves giving up things that we enjoy (like Mass or Stations of the Cross) when the one we love does not care for these things.  After a while, you doubt yourself, and the evil one is the master of doubt and confusion.  I went to confession yesterday because I was scheduled to serve today and because I very clearly felt like I needed that spiritual "bath" before Easter.  We didn't talk long, but with no hesitation, he told me the answer to that doubt was "NO!"  He is so good at making things clear.  And looking back, the Lord has given me other signs that I am on the right path.  Those divine "thumbs-ups" that come every so often. 

Today has been a lazy, somewhat melancholy day.  I got a text from my sister-in-law this morning that "Mammy" (her mother-in-law) had died in her sleep last night.  She hadn't been sick, so this was sudden...not expected.  She was a Kentucky fan, though, and apparently Kentucky played quite well in a basketball game last night!  I knew her from joint holiday and birthday celebrations, and she was a kind and gentle soul who will be missed.  Prayers for her soul and those left behind.

picture dump and assorted rambling

Spring is definitely here.  I'm not sure winter ever was. 

Things have been interesting in my household, to say the least.  I'm not sure that my other half recognizes there is a problem, but the rest of us do.  He has an appointment on Monday with his pain management doctor, and I am planning to go with him.  Hopefully, there will be a willingness on his part to be helped and the ability of the doctor to help. 

Tonight I was outside pulling weeds for a bit...there were enough mosquitoes to carry me away...and it occurred to me that the very thing that helps me get through whatever my days might hold....the thing that gives me peace and strength...is the what seems to be the biggest concern (threat) to my husband.   That I go to Mass every day, if I can, and that I spend time in a church before school, and that I enjoy prayer, fellowship with others, learning....it bothers him.  Sometimes, it feels like the evil one works through him.  Is that horrible to say?  But those minutes with the Lord, the wisdom from the readings and the homily, the things I have learned at Bible Study or talking to friends after Mass in the parking lot...they help me get through the day.

I have tried at length to get a picture of a bee.  We have lots of them when the trees are blooming.  But they really ARE busy little creatures, and not very photogenic.  But then I saw this one this evening.  Unfortunately for him, it looks like he died doing what he did best.  May he rest in peace. 

Last weekend was a busy one.  We helped this little guy ...my Godchild and nephew... celebrate his 4th birthday.  I took exactly two pictures (thank you batteries) and the other one was blurry.  I enjoyed visiting with my siblings for a few hours...the weather was absolutely gorgeous. 

After a while, we wrapped things up and headed to my sister's parish for confession.  I have a good relationship with my confessor, and stick with him unless absolutely necessary, but my boys who are altar servers in our small parish feel like he knows them "too well".  So we went where they were anonymous.  People in churches are strange...and this one, more so than most.  I sat down in a pew to do some spiritual reading and wait for them, and ended up changing places three times in the 10 or 15 minutes I waited!  Weird! 

We visited with my parents, then with my grandfather who will be 96 in a month!  While we were there, passing time, my 15 year old ran across a set of 1949 encyclopedias.  I think he was truly fascinated.  My aunt and uncle from New Jersey were in town, so we visited a bit with them, too.  Back to my parents' for a quick Hamburger Helper supper and then to our final destination of the day. 

The planetarium  (located on the banks of the Mississippi River) had a Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon show, and my boys thought would be neat.  I had hoped that my husband would come, too, but he decided to go to the birthday party in his own vehicle and then headed back home afterwards.  He is limited in what he can do with his arthritis, and this had looked like something we could all enjoy.  Nonetheless, my teens and I went, and enjoyed.  It was a little like watching high quality screensavers with music in the background. 

Can I change subjects?  That brown stuff??  Oak pollen.  Yuk!  We got a blower and that's the pile that I blew together. 

And this from last week....It's oak pollen on the swimming pool cover.  Just icky.  We survived (and fished out) the 10 million acorns in the pool and every leaf in the tree in the pool, but for the pollen, we had to quickly fashion some kind of cover. 

My youngest is running track this year.  He ended up running the 2-mile...more by default than anything else, I think.  There wasn't much competition for that spot on the team.  In this meet last week, he finished "not last"...an improvement! 

I took this picture while I was sitting in the stadium watching the track meet.  It was the day after the blow-up at home.  I think it is a reminder that God does have everything under control, and that even when things seem not good...He is with us. 

protect us from all anxiety

I don't know where this post is going.  It may never see the light of day.  I have considered briefly about whether it is proper to post it, but I figure since I have about 3 regular readers (maybe fewer during Lent), and this is a fairly anonymous outlet for me, it would probably be alright.  I think by writing.  Writing helps me think.

For a long time, my dearly beloved has been very concerned about things in the world.  Too concerned.  Too worried, I thought.  I remember once many years ago, when he drove a truck at night and listened to all manner of late-night talk radio, he got home and woke me up to tell me something about an asteroid that was predicted to hit the earth sometime in the next year or so. 

Over time, but slowly, it has escalated into what I call "the-sky-is-falling" mentality.  Sometimes it is worse than others.  We have what my sons and I call "the food stash".  It's not a lot, and it's probably not a bad idea, but it's almost an obsessive thing. 

I think we have just kind of gone along with the flow, humoring as much as we could.  Just chalking it up to "you know how Dad is." 

I have started to notice how many of his sentences start with "I'm worried about...This really bothers me....I'm afraid...Things don't look good...." 

Lately, though, I notice things directed more and more at me.  Things that were never before a problem - me going places, having lunch with friends...are more and more a cause of contention.  It costs money...or the gas.  Excuses, I think, to cover the real issues.  I'm looking back to gatherings that I've left early, because I didn't want someone to be upset.  Things that I've skipped rather than dealing with the drama.

There have been accusations, and I have talked them over with my confessor in general terms, but in all honesty, just to make there wasnt' something I wasn't seeing.  He was encouraging and reassuring.

It doesn't make sense.  It wasn't always like this.  Besides work, and my kids' activities, mostly what I am involved in now deals with the church.  I go to Mass in the mornings, Bible Study once every week or two, decorating for Christmas and Easter, pray the Rosary with my SIL's group a couple of times a month, spend 15 or 20 minutes before school before the Tabernacle, and occassionally manage an uninterrupted hour at the chapel near my house. 

But those things - for whatever reason - are a problem.  It's as if when he's home, he expects me to be home.  And he's always home lately. 

Last night things just exploded.  So out of proportion for nothing  - because I off-handedly mentioned that I was going to Bible Study later in the evening, as I regularly do on Wednesday nights.  I have been going to Bible Studies for 5 years...it's never been an issue.  My kids and I just stood there not even believing what we were hearing or seeing.  One minute cooking supper and the next storming out of the house ranting.  If it wouldn't have been so real, it would have been comical. 

I went to Bible Study, but I half expected him to storm in and make a scene.  This is not the person I married.  When I got home, I gathered all of his medications and wrote down the names and researched side effects.  There were some possible explanations there. 

Then I went to webmd and typed in the word "anxiety".  The description that came up for Generalized Anxiety Disorder described him almost perfectly.  I read it to the kids, and they, too, were amazed at how well it described their dad.  When I read it to my husband, he remarked that it described nearly everyone in the world.  Um....no.  Then I googled "spouse with anxiety disorder" and came across this wonderful article.    It, too, was very reaffirming.  It IS Ok for me to have outside interests, friends, etc. 

So here I am...last night cyrstalized the "this isn't right" feeling that I've had for a long time.  Something is wrong.  But at least I now have a solid name for it. And so, any prayers that you can spare would be so appreciated.  Prayers that he will admit that there is a problem and will seek a solution. 

So not a very cheery post.  More like the first step on what is likely to be a long journey or no journey at all.  But this is life. Grant us peace in your day...