Sunday, July 4, 2010
weapons of choice
Thank you, Immaculee. After years of using the Rosary as a cure for insomnia or just mindlessly reciting the prayers along with the CD in my car, I have actually PRAYED a few Rosaries in the past few weeks. I was impressed by the claim that the Blessed Mother will grant whatever we ask for or give us the peace to accept the answer if it is "no". There's a few things that I could ask for....
One prayer that I often pray is "Lord, help me to see what needs fixing in my life," or some variation on that theme. We get so used to ourselves that we can hide our weaknesses and faults from ourselves better than we can hide them from other people. So I asked to see. Even when I am trying to see, when I am wanting to go to confession with some sins to confess, I feel like there is a great deal left undiscovered. Father, I am sorry for these and all my sins that I can't even think of?? I don't "see" very well.
They weren't kidding when they said that Jesus will grant whatever His Mother asks him for. Tuesday night, we met to pray the Seven Sorrows Rosary. One of the things it promises is "true repentance", so as the CD played, I thought, "Yeah, that's what I want, Lord, true repentance." Wow! When I went to the Adoration chapel on Sunday... oh my!! Be careful what you ask Mary to ask for. I thought it would take a little while for my request to get "processed", so this was somewhat unexpected.
"Lord, help me to see."
"Well, Karen, what about the times when you judge others? (Nothing like getting right to the point?) Or don't pray for those you don't like? Or look to blame others for things that are your fault? Or lack patience with annoying people? Or? Or? Or?"
"Whoa! Hold on Lord. Slow down, should I get my pen and paper?"
"Do you need me to repeat anything for you? Or should I keep going?"
He kept going.
I left the Adoration Chapel that day, reflective, but not really all that amazed at the conversation. The experience got just a couple of lines in this post. It took a while for it to sink in. By the end of the week, I found myself looking at a calendar trying to figure out when a good time to go to confession would be.
My "ideal" confession frequency is every month or two, and it had just been two weeks.... But the list was already made. Clearly God had other plans than the once a month or so deal.
I still get nervous. There is no line. I took a deep breath and opened the door. "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It's been two weeks, and it wasn't my idea to come back again so soon. But God spoke, and I took notes. And I brought them with me." He smiled. I just read off of my list. Attitudes, thoughts, failures. Some of it was "the regulars", but others were things I'd never admitted before. Quite humbling to sit there and give voice to. I couldn't hide the nervousness in my voice, and I stumbled through my list. Just get me to the end. No explanations, no excuses, just the bare truth. When I reached the end, the only comment I got was, "Wonderful!"
Really?? Ummmm.... OK.
Isn't God's mercy awesome?
The crux of the homily Friday at Mass was that when we recognize our need for the Divine Physician, He will lead us deeper into the Heart of God (it was First Friday when we celebrate the Sacred Heart), and the Heart of God is Mercy.
And the best part? The Divine Physician is on everyone's plan and there no co-pay, no deductible. The bill has already been paid in full. And not by us. Our only responsibility is to show up for the appointment.
So I'm looking back over this and seeing that I've gone from the Rosary to Reconciliation. Weapons of choice?