metanoia

It's an interesting word - metanoia.  I've heard it defined as a spiritual turning of sorts.  Wikipedia offers several possible meanings.  Mirriam-Webster defines it as "a transformative change of heart."  It's what we are called to do.  On an ongoing basis, I think.

It has been a long summer in some ways.  Lots - did you hear me LOTS - of family togetherness.  Can you have too much?  My boys have not participated in any extra activities this summer (their choice), my husband has worked very little (not his choice), and with limited funds, I have mostly kept the car parked.

I have also resented it.  With my husband's anxiety, he has made it known that he likes it best when everyone is home.  So I have gone with the flow.  By default, he has had things the way he has wanted them in that respect, but he doesn't seem much happier.  And for me...."Absence makes the heart grow fonder?"  There hasn't been near enough absence, I assure you!

By the end of last week, I could feel a weight somewhere inside.  It was really nothing anyone had done, but I knew a bunch of feelings were brewing below the surface.  (Side note to interject that the seemingly unrelated pictures were taken last night as a storm gathered. The reddish tint made things look really weird).  I finally found some time to visit Jesus at the little Adoration chapel near the house Sunday evening.  I took my journal and I wrote... Peeled back some of the layers to see what was below the surface.

I was able to return again on Monday and as I sat, I asked Jesus, "If I were to go to confession soon, what would I tell you?"  Well, I don't know about you, but He is always pretty accommodating in answering that question for me!  Again I wrote.  And there was The List.

 

I almost always prefer to show up for confession within the scheduled time frames, but this time, I knew I wanted more than my share of the 10 minutes allotted before daily Mass.  So, needing wisdom, I emailed my  confessor and asked if he had time after Mass one day soon. "... See you tomorrow," he replied.  

I began by saying that I didn't mean for this to be a complaint session about current issues, and he uncharacteristically stopped me.  "When there are issues - and there are - don't apologize for being honest with God.  We are not doing this to be slanderous, but to give the issues to Jesus."   I continued.  There was stuff.  Sin is icky.  Attitudes and thoughts and feelings which I will spare you.  Discouragement and doubt in spite of God's goodness.  Tiredness.  

  

He listens.  Really listens.  He hears where I am at - not just the sin list.  He speaks.  Little by little, he turns things just a bit.  What he says really does nothing to change the situation I am dealing with.  But what he says changes the way I view (and respond to) the situation I am dealing with.  He pulls forth a little compassion that has been dormant for far too long.  Not by chastising, but by pointing the way.  Slowly, gently, chipping away at some of the hardness of heart.  

Sometimes it seems that everything I do has a cost - the disapproving look or thoughtless rude comment.  The good priest does nothing to change that fact, but acknowledges that it is probably true.  To be a follower of Jesus, we do have to share in His Life - in the Paschal Mystery.  And here is my chance!  Not only does it have a cost, but I can take that and offer it back to God on behalf of and to benefit the other.  That's about the best economic news I've heard in a while.  Nothing is wasted!  

Twenty or so minutes later we are done.  I leave, not embarrassed or ashamed, but filled with hope and encouragement.  This may forever be one of the mysteries that I don't understand.  How one can [nervously] walk into a little room in the back of the church, sit and admit to another human the worst of who you can be, and then float out hope-filled and encouraged mere minutes later.  But it happens - often.  God's good grace is simply amazing!

Just a little different way of looking at things, and everything seems to change.  Metanoia?  A transformative change of heart?  Correction?  Healing? Embracing thoughts beyond our present limitations?   All of the above?  God is so very good!

have ark...will travel

Today the skies opened up where I live and just stayed open. 

Went to bed with thunder and lightening last night and woke up to it again about 4 a.m. this morning.  It continued.  I dropped the kids at the bus, went to Mass...it wasn't too bad.  Went to work out and watched the lightening strikes out the window.  Dashed to the car, and decided still to stop, as is my usual routine. at the church near my school for just a few minutes of quiet.  I parked in the fire lane, though...that much closer to the door.

With the time change, I am back to sitting in darkness, once the last people leave after Mass, and I like it that way.  Today was like night.  And then the heavens opened.  After a little while, I thought I saw a break in the rain, so I dashed towards my car.  And then dashed to my classroom a few minutes later.  I made my way to first hour, and the rains came down. 

All of our classrooms open to the great outdoors, and we watched as the water washed over the sidewalks and filled the pasture next door.  And still it came.  We carefully made our way to second hour...tiptoeing close to the walls.  And the rain continued to come and the water continued to rise.  Into the classrooms. 

A mouse ran across the floor in second hour, but fortunately only the teacher saw it.  Driven from its dry little nest somewhere.  Only a couple of the classrooms actually flooded to the point of not being able to hold class in them.

When it came time to leave second hour, we couldn't.  So we stayed put for another 45 minutes or so. The rain slowed and the water had subsided some.  So I took off my shoes and socks and rolled up pants and gingerly tiptoed through the water.  About ankle-deep at that point.

That was pretty much it for the day.  We fed them.  Which is more than I can say for my own children.  They were stuck in first hour for hours with no electricity.  When lunch time came, they got room service...3 snack-sized bags of Graham Teddies. 

My fifth hour class watched Sandlot, and after they finished part of a test, the teacher in my last hour class also put on a movie.  At about that time, my own offspring called to say their bus hadn't arrived at school, and for me to come and get them. 

And so I left, and did not return.   As of 6:30 tonight, there are still some schools with children remaining...whose parents can't get to them.  Last I heard they were transporting them to my school's gym. 

My own children are delighted that school at their facility was cancelled tomorrow.  The above picture is of our football field.  For some reason, when they built it, they put a levee around it.  I have seen it swampy, but I have never seen it completely full...like a tea cup.  From end zone to end zone.  15 inches of rain in 12 hours will do that, though.

Here's hoping for a drier tomorrow and a prayer for those whose homes were flooded today.

ten things about me that you might not know...link up

Linking this up with my friend Allison (albeit a bit late...) on Rambling Follower.  Join me, if you wish.

By the time I get to the end, it might be "10 things you don't really care if you ever knew"...but anyways....

1.   I am of German, Hungarian, and Irish ancestry (in that order, I think), but I am married to a Cajun.

2.  I have been teaching for 25 years, and all but a year and a half of that has been with Middle School Special Education.  My first semester was with K-3 special ed, and I spent one very long year teaching a regular class of 29 fourth graders.

3.   I was born in Wichita Falls, TX, but have lived all but the first year of my life in Louisiana.  Most of my cousins, aunts/uncles, etc, still live in Texas, and as kids we visited often.  My siblings and I have all thanked my parents for moving.  Apologies to any readers who live in north Texas Tornado Alley.

4.  I was in a tornado once.  I was in second grade, and my brother was in Kindergarten.  I was in the church at school, and I remember a section of roof flying off.  And there was glass everywhere, and the new carpet was ruined.  And the priest was walking around inside the church with his umbrella open afterwards.  I was scared of bad weather for a long time after.

5.  I am far more likely to write about something than to talk about something.

6.  I am an introvert.  My husband is an extrovert.  Endless talking about useless stuff makes me crazy.

7.  There are a lot of things I do not share with my husband.  I wish he listened better.  Conversation shouldn't be a competition.  I have a best friend that I can share anything with.  She listens and she "gets" what I am saying.  I wish she didn't live 1200 miles away.

8.  Death does not scare me.  Suffering does.  But I try not to live life in fear.  Fear is a lack of trust in God.  Suffering is a tool that God uses to make us more like Him and bring us closer to Him.  If we allow it.

9. I have 2 brothers and a sister.  I am the oldest.  There are 17 months between me and my first brother.  Six years between him and my second brother.  And six more years between him and my sister.  My husband has an older brother and a younger sister...all within a 3 year age span.

10.  I am closely watching the weather.  While I was writing this post, I gathered my offspring (woke one up) and headed into the laundry room.  I could hear the wind howling, and then I saw hail.  Along with tornado warnings, etc.

Bonus.  I could probably keep going, but I will spare you!

If you are so inspired, you can create a similar post and put the link in your comments.